Gossip, judgments, and assumptions—we all do them, but do we all feel good about it? In today’s 8-ish-minute episode, Molly explains why these things make her feel shameful and how staying curious helps keep her neutral and open-minded. You’ll hear about where she grew up, her aunt’s insightful advice, and how to get in touch if you want to know more. Enjoy!
Gossip, judgments, and assumptions—we all do them, but do we all feel good about it? In today’s 8-ish-minute episode, Molly explains why these things make her feel shameful and how staying curious helps keep her neutral and open-minded. You’ll hear about where she grew up, her aunt’s insightful advice, and how to get in touch if you want to know more. Enjoy!
Reach out to Molly:
Do you ever gossip? That's a silly question. Everybody does. But do you ever feel any guilt and shame about it? Do you ever feel intimidated, angry, or annoyed with other people? And do you ever wish you were better at managing those emotions? Good news, dear listeners, you are not alone. And I'm here to tell you in eight minutes or less, how I overcome temptations to gossip and how I ease intimidating or irritating 📍 thoughts and how you can too.
So listen up. Welcome to Molly at this age, a teeny tiny version of I am this age, the podcast proving it's never too late and you're never too old. So just go do that thing. You're always talking about I'm Molly cider, a certified professional life coach storyteller, motivational speaker.
Creator of insightful videos. And so many more things.
📍 I grew up hyper aware of what I didn't have compared to what everyone around me did have. As a child, I lived in a wealthy suburb of Chicago, where most of my friends, parents were doctors, partners in their law firms or CEOs. It was a privileged place to have a childhood with big houses, fancy cars, access to summer camp and a slew of extra curriculars.
I was very lucky.
Even with all my luck and privilege, I still had my own internal struggles and one very big one for me was that my family, while perfectly comfortable was not wealthy. Like many of the people I knew. My parents worked hard to make a fraction of our neighbors worth. We didn't take vacations.
We didn't drive expensive cars. I still enjoyed big family dinners and ballet class, and I did have my own hand-me-down car that worked great. And now as an adult, I recognize this as a privilege, but as a child, all I knew was that we didn't have as much as they had.
Before I lose you. If you can't relate, just hear me out. Okay.
As a child, I believed that having money equaled intelligence. As an adult, I recognize what an asinine opinion that is, but I was a child who was just trying to make sense of my world. Give me a break. And in that world, money equals worth and intellect. And since we didn't have as much money as everyone around us, I believed that that meant that we were not as smart. Or as valued.
I often felt intimidated or scared to interact with anyone of a quote, higher value.
In other words, I was afraid to talk to you if you were rich.
One time when I was in college, I went to visit my aunt, Joe G, who I often heard people describe as an old hippie, whatever that meant. And aunt Joji was among the most curious people I knew with some of the most intriguing life stories I've ever heard. Maybe one day, I'll tell you about the year and a half.
She spent in a Greek prison. Anyway. Uh, one day she told me about one of her many journeys around the world, and she mentioned how she's never been afraid to talk to anyone. She said, I'll talk to Kings and Queens in the same way. I'll talk to the janitor. And it stuck with me. For years, I try to access that same self-assuredness that my aunt embodied, but it wasn't until I got to the root of who I am, my true identity, without all the stuff, the successes, the failures, the money. That I finally figured this out.
So one of my core identities. Is curiosity. I love to understand why people are the way they are, how things work, the logic behind rules, why people follow rules that don't have logic. All of it. Sometimes people find my curiosity annoying, but I think it's my superpower.
You can imagine a lot of gossiping and judging in a town. Like the one that I grew up in a mean girls spirit in the halls of high school. In fact, it's rumored that the movie mean girls was actually modeled after my high school.
I never felt particularly comfortable with this kind of behavior.
And I have done some hard work to alleviate the temptation to gossip as much as I can. I try not to make assumptions or judge, because to me that just feels like high school.
So instead I get curious, I ask questions and when I don't have an answer, I try not to, to create my own story. Or if I think I do know what the story is, I recognize that that story is only one of many possibilities and I make sure to leave space for something else to be true. Because when I create a story about someone else, even if it's someone I think I know really well. That is still an assumption. And assumptions are almost always accompanied with judgment.
Now I'm human. I don't know if you're aware, but I am. And so I am not perfect at this. And sometimes I accidentally do judge and I do make assumptions. But when I notice myself moving into judgment, I get curious about why I'm doing that. What does that story I'm creating have to do with me? What am I needing to feel that this assumption I'm making is fulfilling? Maybe it's that I want to feel better than that person or validate that my life choices were smarter. But why do I need to feel that way?
Who is it helping and who is it hurting? But gossip is fun and it's a natural way to create connections. Humans have been using gossip for, for forever. So could it really be that bad? I've heard valid arguments for both sides, but for me, creating stories about other people has rarely worked to make me feel good and gossiping about it.
Usually just feeds my judgy emotions, making me more angry or more sad or more, whatever negative thing I'm already feeling. It also creates distance between me and the subject of the story. Even if in the moment it's creating a closeness between me and the other person, gossiping.
Often when I'm making assumptions and judgments, I just sink deeper into my insular opinions and extreme thinking. And it makes me a much worse, critical thinker. I'm not learning anything new and I'm weakening connections.
But when I stay curious, I'm staying neutral, which is where I need to be, to learn and to grow.
And I always wants to be learning and growing. So when I feel intimidated by someone or nervous about a situation, I recenter myself and calm my nervous system by remembering that all I have to do is stay curious and be kind. And I know that I can do that because that's who I am at my core. I ask questions, listen, reflect and learn. I get curious if I'm in conflict embarrassed or feeling guilty.
When I disagree, I get curious curiosity relaxes my nervous system. When I'm feeling lost, angry, sad, or alone. Judgment keeps me stuck when I'm in judgment. I'm part of the problem. Curiosity keeps me engaged and open to being part of the solution.
I get to interview people from all over the world and of all different backgrounds.
And sometimes I do get nervous, but my ability to stay curious, but without making assumptions, Is what makes me good at my job. Now, just like my ancho G I too can talk to anyone. Not only because I've been taught that everyone is of equal value, no matter their financial status. But because my 📍 curiosity has proven that to be true. Have questions feeling annoyed or conflicted.
Do you disagree? Let's get curious together. Click the link in the show notes to connect with me. If you need some guidance. It's what I love to do most I'm here for you. So reach out to me.
Please make sure you are subscribed and rate and write a little review of the show. Also send this to some friends who you think might benefit from it. The more you 📍 help us grow, the more we can help you grow. Thank you to Dan Davin for my music, David Harper for my artwork.
I am. This age is produced by jellyfish industries. I'm your host, Molly cider. Until next time you all stay curious. 📍 Bye.