Anger is the most uncomfortable emotion for me, and when I’m angry, I struggle with what to do with that emotion and how to express it. But there’s value in feeling angry, as with any emotion, and so I’ve learned how to “play” with my emotions, choose which emotion and response I want in a given situation, and today I teach you how you can, too. In this episode, I talk about: - Hard emotions. - Anger - Expressing anger - Energy levels as learned from IPEC - How you can choose the emotion and response you want to have for every situation - How you can dive deeper into this work with me
Anger is the most uncomfortable emotion for me, and when I’m angry I struggle with what to do with that emotion and how to express it. But there’s value in feeling angry, as with any emotion, and so I’ve learned how to “play” with my emotions, choose which emotion and response I want in a given situation, and today I teach you how you can, too.
In this episode, I talk about:
- Hard emotions.
- Anger
- Expressing anger
- Energy levels as learned from IPEC
- How you can choose the emotion and response you want to have for every situation
- How you can dive deeper into this work with me
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📍 📍 Do you ever feel like you have emotions? You don't know what to do with that feel really uncomfortable to be in like heartache, abandonment or feeling like the world is against you. Do you ever fear that if you allow yourself to really feel an emotion, you might get stuck in that emotion forever. And if you ever feel this way, Do you find yourself doing everything in your power?
Not to feel that emotion. Well, dear listener. Same. That is 📍 until I learned how to play with my emotions.
Welcome to I am this age, the podcast proving it's never too late and you're never too old. So go do that thing. You're always talking about I'm Molly Sider, a certified professional life coach, a storyteller, a speaker and storytelling advocate.
I consider myself a kind compassionate, empathetic, gentle, and understanding person. And sometimes I get angry. And when this happens, I get extremely uncomfortable. To me, anger is the alien emotion. And when it shows its face, it always takes me by surprise. Anchor feels to me like a surge of energy has been shot through my veins. It takes my breath away.
Sometimes it makes my limbs shake and it almost always hijacks my prefrontal cortex. In other words, the part of my brain, I depend on for productivity.
And the worst part is that because it feels so foreign and uncomfortable to me, I often have no idea what to do with my anger. I struggle with knowing how to express it in ways that still align with my authentic self. Like, how do I get my anger out of me in a way that still allows me to sleep at night?
Because I'm so uncomfortable with my anger.
My inclination has mostly been to look inward to find ways in which I'm contributing to this situation that I'm so mad about. In order to let the stimulator off the hook so that I don't have to confront them because boy, do I hate confrontation?
And while doing this does help to grow a deep sense of self-awareness.
It's also my way of bypassing dealing with my emotions. So one person might drink their anger away. I analyze it away. And I recognize that it's avoidant and it's dismissive of my own needs and boundaries. Because anger is information, both for me and whomever else is involved.
So a few years ago, I was pretty badly hurt by a good friend. And we were talking about the incident over the phone. And I remember thinking to myself I'm angry and I'm going to try raising my voice to express it and see how that feels. I was going to try it on. Now, this is before I started doing any of this self-awareness work.
So I'm pretty proud of myself for being able to decide how I wanted to react to consciously. Needless to say for someone who doesn't like to show anger, raising my voice felt a little bit like being at a party and the music had just scratched to a stop. Right. As I was screaming into a bull horn being held up to her ear. It made me feel really terrible and I immediately apologized. It turned out that raising my voice or yelling is not a good fit for me.
It wasn't until a few years later, when I began to study for my life coach certification through a company called IPEC. That I learned how to play with my emotions. So in this coaching program, we learn this as energy levels. Now, if the word energy feels too out there for you, no problem.
You can call it whatever you want. But here's the basic idea. There are seven levels of energy and we all encompass all seven levels at different times in circumstances. Levels one and two are what we refer to as catabolic, meaning those negative emotions we tend to feel when we're having a hard day. Level one is when we tend to feel like a victim we're apathetic, we feel overwhelmed, hopeless. We're hating on ourselves. And typically when we feel these feelings, we are not very productive.
Level two is anger, conflict, self-righteousness resistance, blame and aggression. It's an I win and you lose mentality and can often leave us shortsighted and burns out. But for some people, it can also be a motivator. Level three is about compromise, forgiveness and cooperation. So the thought is I win.
And if you went to great. Levels four and up are what we refer to as anabolic, meaning the way we often feel when things are going well. So level four is gratitude, compassion and generosity. People in level four are typically pretty nurturing and want to help make the world better.
But level four can also sometimes be boundary-less. So you have to be careful.
Level five is all about acceptance, peace and reconciliation. It's about finding the opportunity. Level six is joy and wisdom. When you're in flow, you're in level six, you feel connected, intuitive, and you recognize that everything that happens. Is a valuable experience.
And finally level seven, which is non-judgemental. Unconditional love unconditional acceptance, fearlessness, and where you take nothing personally. And all the levels have advantages and disadvantages, and we all embody all of the levels at different times.
But here's where it gets to be fun. When you start to recognize what level you're in at different moments of your life. During conflict when you were being rewarded, et cetera, the more you become aware, the better you'll be at playing with your emotions.
So you get to choose which energy level or which emotion you want to feel and how you want to express that emotion in the moment. Just like when I made the conscious decision to express my anger on the phone with my friend, I could have shut down cried or just forgiven her. But I decided to get angry.
So sometimes when I'm having a hard day or I'm in conflict, I'll consciously decide to let myself feel like a victim.
I know that for me, being in level one is a way for me to regroup. So I'll say to myself, okay. Be in level one, feel like a victim cry because you think the world is against you. And I'll give myself a time limit. So feel this way. And sometimes I'll take the entire time, but often the moment I give myself permission to feel like a victim. Is also the moment I snap out of my victim hood and jump up to a level five or level six. Via awareness separates me from my emotions enough that I get to play and choose and try on different kinds of responding to see what's right for me in that moment. Often when something goes wrong. I like to go to a level five by asking myself, all right, what's the opportunity here.
See how this works.
So obviously for me, the hardest and most uncomfortable level is level two anger. And while a part of me feels proud that I'm able to create space before I react. I also know that there's great value in allowing myself to get angry sometimes. So I continued to play and try and I'm amused into curiosity when something feels like it's an uncomfortable fit.
Like, wow, that's so interesting. I wonder why that is. And most importantly, I know that whatever emotion and reaction I'm trying on in that moment will change and grow and look different next time.
So pay attention to how you're showing up and how you might rather show up where's your energy. Is that where you really want to be? What's the benefit? What's the disadvantage. Could there be another level that might serve you better in this moment? Try them on. See what works. Play. If you're interested in learning more about these energy levels, click the link in the show notes to schedule a free, get to know you call. Where we'll go over these levels in further detail and ways in which we can take a deeper dive together. As always, if you liked this episode, please share it with one other person who might also enjoy it. The more you help us grow the more we can help you grow.
And while you're at it, please make sure you 📍 rate and review to appease the algorithm. Gods. Thank you in advance. . Thank you to Dan Devin for the music David Harbour for the artwork I am. This age is produced by jellyfish industries.
I'm your host, Molly sider until next time, stay curious.