Karesa McElheny lost all her beautiful red hair in her early 40’s. She wore wigs for a while until one day she just didn’t. Now she’s confidently bald and at age 65 she feels sexier and more feminine than ever. Hear how she navigated through this huge life change and embraced her new look; how her new husband whom she met at age 53 helped support her; and a little bit about how they keep their relationship strong (because it’s always important to hear those parts).
Karesa McElheny lost all her beautiful red hair in her early 40’s. She wore wigs for a while until one day she just didn’t. Now she’s confidently bald and at age 65 she feels sexier and more feminine than ever. Hear how she navigated through this huge life change and embraced her new look; how her new husband whom she met at age 53 helped support her; and a little bit about how they keep their relationship strong (because it’s always important to hear those parts).
Work With Molly Here:
To follow Molly on Instagram and get to know her even more, click HERE!
For Karesa's Instagram click HERE!
Link's to the Holistic Counseling Podcast below!
https://www.holisticcounselingpodcast.com
https://www.instagram.com/holisticcounselingpodcast/
Are you worried about how your physicality is changing as you get older? What if your favorite physical attribute about yourself suddenly went away? What would that mean about your identity? Whether we like it or not, as we move in and out of middle age, Our bodies are changing. Our hair is going gray. Our noses are getting bigger.
So, what do we do when the things we once considered part of our identity change?
Welcome to I am this age, the podcast proving it's never too late. You're never too old. So go do that thing. You're always talking about. I'm Molly Sider, a certified professional life coach storyteller and real life changemaker in my forties.
If you're someone who is worried about a few gray hairs peaking through, like, I am. My guest today is going to share how she discovered her sexy femininity through losing all her hair. It's an empowering story that is sure to empower you to. But before we get there, if you're someone who is looking for a coach to help you make a big change in your life, click the link in the show notes, and I'll give you the next steps for working with me on exactly that.
Together, we will work to get to the core of your identity. Make sense out of past experiences, normalize your fears and insecurities and let them go to get you to live the life you truly desire. Okay. Now onto the episode.
Hello, I'm Karesa McElheny and I'm 65. I am an actress, a director. Um, I've done a lot of voiceover, especially audio books. I, um, also a reiki practitioner and I read tarot cards. I love gardening, hiking, all sorts of I'm actually a really kind of insane gardener just because I love to play in the dirt.
That's my, that's one of my most favorite things to do,
that was perfect. That was great.
We all have things about ourselves and our bodies that we love and that we hate. And usually the things we love we use to make ourselves feel certain ways, confident, attractive, smart, et cetera.
For me, it was my curvy body for Caressa. It was her thick red head of hair.
How did your red hair used to make you feel?
It definitely attracted a lot of notice. Sometimes a little too much maybe because it, I mean, it wasn't just the hair, but I think that was the first thing that people noticed was that I did have really a very thick head of, um, it was beautiful hair and I really never had to do anything with it, you know, I never had to permit or curl it or anything like that.
I just, you know, washed. Basically let it dry and go. And, sometimes even now looking back at pictures, I was like, wow, that hair was intense, and, um, it always made me, it was, it was very connected to my femininity and how I felt as a sexual creature. So that was very interesting.
When it. Went away.
Yeah. Would you say that it was part of your identity?
Oh, definitely, definitely. My, uh, email for years was head of red, um, I had many nicknames alluding to something to do with my hair
so, yes.
that makes sense. how do you think other people saw you or viewed you with this like red, flowy, thick care?
Well, it's interesting because when, at one point I always had long hair, and I, that's a whole nother story. When I was little, I always wanted long hair and my mom would never let me have it long. And so one time I had a total fit and like leapt outta the barber chair halfway through my haircut, and she had to, you know, because I didn't ro I did not want my haircut, and so she had to basically bribe me to get me back in to.
Having my hair cut, but then she finally succumbeded, you know, finally relented and let me grow it long. And so I've always, I always had had long hair. And then one time I decided, you know what? I'm gonna, I think I'm gonna get my hair. And I was mentioning it to people and so many people were like, no, don't cut your hair.
I mean, like, such violent reaction.
Wow.
I was like, uh, I'm cutting my hair. You people need to just let go a little.
Wow. Okay, so then in your early forties you got alopecia, which is the disease that causes hair loss and you lost it all.
Yeah. Within a year, I'd say it was pretty much gone. Yeah, it was real. I know that's really kind of fast when you think about it.
It's really fast. Tell me what you were feeling in those early days when you learned what was happening to you.
Disbelief. I was like, how? I've always thought I would never have an issue with my hair because I had so much of it, but I, it was very, It was really shocking, I guess, and it was hard to believe that that could be happening. So, um, yeah, it started out with one little teeny bald spot, you know, right smack in the middle of the top of my head.
And I actually saw it once when I was looking in the rear view mirror, you know, I looked up and I was like, is that a bald spot? Like what?
Oh.
And my boyfriend was like, yeah, there's another little one over here. I was like, what? You know? So gradually it just kind of kept falling out until the point was like I had to wear hats or, and finally I was like, I just, I have to get a wig.
Because this is just not acceptable looking, you know?
Yeah.
then, and then finally I just ended up, I shaved it off. Um, and they still had kind of a pattern. It looked like a, you know, like a globe or something, my head, because you could see where there was still hair, but mostly gone.
For an actress and a woman who identified with her red hair. I couldn't imagine what her anxieties around, what a life without that hair might mean about her future.
I, I don't know. I think at the time I was rather really kind of bewildered by it all because I couldn't figure out why it was happening or if there was, you know, I tried everything to try to get a, get it fixed, basically, you know, different doctors to try to figure out what was wrong.
No one had an answer and, uh, and, but I did try many methods, but I, I really feel like. I think I was sort of at a loss for a while there because that it was so tied in with my identity and I remember one time going to a, a restaurant and I had a baseball cap on, and the first time someone addressed me as Sir, and it was so devastating, you know, now it happens occasionally, and I'm like, whatever.
I understand. People don't really look, sometimes they just glance, they see, a bald head. They assume it's a guy but that first time that that happened was so devastating.
Tell me a little bit more about that moment.
Well, I remember uh, my boyfriend at the time, his response is, his response was, well, you know, you should dress more feminine. I was like, oh, well, yeah, maybe you're right, I do understand what he's saying.
But I was not anywhere close to being at that point, where I was comfortable dressing in a feminine manner with no hair. You know what I mean? I was just really trying to kind of figure it out at that point. And also it was weird because I didn't really want to go out without wigs at the beginning because I just felt like it would make other people uncom. That was my biggest reason. And even to this day, I still get people who automatically think that I'm going through cancer, you know, or through chemotherapy. And, um, so many people, anyone who is a survivor will come up to me and, and like, because it's an instant sort of kinship, right? And I always have to say, um, well, I'm, I always, I'm happy to say that it's not cancer, but yeah, that, that was a, took a while.
I think I remember you saying something about how you always were like a little bit, you dressed a little bit of more like a tomboy
I totally
your, and. And it sounds like your femininity came through through your hair almost like that was the way that you sort of showed like, I am a female,
even though I dress this way, this is my style, and now all of a sudden that's gone
Yeah, I was definitely a jeans and boots girl. And, um, that's what I wore all the time. And I still, you know, it's like I wore makeup and things like that, but I was not feminine in a, like a girly type of way, but I still considered myself feminine, you know, and sexy and all that kind of thing, you know, but it's like, it's just wasn't, I never went outta my way to emphasize my femininity, I guess I could say.
She didn't have to emphasize her femininity, her hair, did it for her. But now it was gone and Caressa had to make the choice to go out of her way to be seen as feminine.
That was definitely an element of it because of the fact of how, how I was perceived just casually by the, the waiter or the whoever I happened to be in, you know, interacting with that.
Yeah. How you are an actress and we all know that being an actress often means you have to unfortunately look a certain way. So wha what did that, what did this do to your confidence in, within that field of acting?
I had wigs at the beginning and I felt like I had some good wigs. I had some bad wigs, but I had some good wigs too. And I had headshots done with wigs and things like that. And that's how I just went through my day, was wearing wigs. And I did that for probably seven or eight years.
and a lot of people knew they were wigs, you know, especially anyone that I did. Were, was friendly with or whatever. My friends, my family, obviously my family. But so I, it was just sort of became the way things were, and what was interesting is that after a while I just, Grew so sick of wearing wigs.
I really did not enjoy it because they were a pain to keep up. They were hot. Oh my God. They were hot. I'd like, I'd get home, I'd whip it off my head so fast, or I'd get in the car, I'd whip it off. It's just like I, after a while I was like, Ugh,
Yeah. Did you ever embrace it or was it really more of like a, a comfort in knowing that you could, that you didn't have to talk about what was going on for a minute, or you can cover it up in some way,
Yeah, at the beginning I think that, I mean, it was a necessity. It felt like a necessity because my hair was not totally gone. You know? It was almost gone. There's no way you could go out just like that. I couldn't. I would be, I'd have to either wear a hat And then after a while I started, I was like, okay, I, this is, there's not enough left.
I have to get a wig. And I remember the first time I got a wig because we were going to dinner with two friends and I was, I mean, they weren't my friends, they were friends and my boyfriend and I was like I can't go out. I can't wear a hat during dinner.
They might think it's odd, you know? So we went and that was the first time I got a wig. I was like, okay, I just gotta go get a wig. Let's do it.
I sort of forced to do it. That was early on,
Caressa is currently married, but not to the boyfriend. She was dating when she first began losing her hair.
you met your current husband. At age 52. how did you two meet
Uh, we met online basically match.com.
Were you wearing a wig on your first date with
Yes, and I was wearing wigs in all my pictures. And I, this is something he teases me about because in my pictures I wear glasses. Um, most of the time I don't always wear them, but most of the time I wear them. And I didn't have them on the picture. And so I called him up before we were, we were going to meet at some coffee shop or whatever, and, I can't remember if I emailed him or called him or whatever, but I said, um, I look a little different.
I wear glasses. I know. So he kind of teases me about that afterwards, you know?
so funny.
On our, I think it was our second or third, I'm trying to remember where, you know, it's like, you know, he is gonna kiss you, and I'm like, I do not wanna be kissed with someone who doesn't know I'm wearing a wig.
And then all of a sudden they find out that could be really bad.
Like it just comes out in their hand as they're like holding your head.
can be very shocking. I really wanted to avoid that at all
So how did you tell him?
Before we hear more about caresses first kissed with her husband and how she handled the wig situation. I wanted to tell you about a podcast. I recently discovered that I'm fairly sure you will love as much as I do. So here's a quick bit about that.
Hey there. I'm Chris McDonald. I'm a licensed therapist and host of the Holistic Counseling Podcast, which is for therapists who want to deepen their knowledge of holistic modalities and build their practice with confidence. Join me each week for interviews and solo episodes on holistic practices such as yoga, energy healing, and learn the many benefits of a wide variety of holistic modalities.
Whether you're looking for new techniques or seeking to deepen your own personal journey towards wellness, this podcast is a perfect companion for your holistic path. If you haven't listened to the Holistic Counseling podcast yet, check it out here and discover the life-changing benefits of Holistic practices app, www.holisticcounselingpodcast.com. All right. Let's hear about this 📍 kiss.
Well, I just told him like, you know, it's like you see him moving in. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. You know, I'm like, I have to, I have to tell you something. And he's, you know, conjuring up all sorts of horrible scenarios. And then I told him I wear a wig.
And he is like, oh, is that all? And he kisses me.
Wow. Wait, what? Like I imagine there must have been so much relief in that answer. What were you feeling in that moment when he was like, oh, no big deal.
I know, I know. There was a lot of relief. It was. Yeah, because to me it's, it was this huge kind of secret, and I didn't know how I would be judged. And so when he was like, no big deal. it was fantastic.
That's awesome. I talk a lot about like sharing your stories and that one of the reasons why we don't, you know, We always have these like internal stories that we tell ourselves, and there are things about that story that we believe to be true. And we fear that if we share the story with the world, that the world will then reflect back at us what we already believe to be true, which is usually something negative about ourselves.
Right? And that's like such a beautiful example of, oh, it's no big deal. Like once you share it and the, it's just like all of a sudden it's no big, it's not as big of a deal.
definitely.
Okay so far, this guy is so good, but wait until you hear what he encouraged Caressa to do next.
It was Christmas vacation, which I used to work at a college. And so, you know, we'd always have two or three weeks off where we didn't go to work at all. And the entire time I had never worn, I wasn't wearing a wig the entire, three week period. And it was coming up, I remember it was like the next day I had to go back to work and I had always worn a wig at work and. And that was kind of like, am I gonna put it back on or am I not? And he was always encouraging me to not put it back on because he, he, that is one of the phrases he used. He was like, you're just hiding behind those wigs, you know, they're not really you, you're not comfortable with them. Which was all true.
And so I just made the decision. I was like, okay, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna just go to work and I'm not gonna wear a wig. And of course I got, you know, what happened, what's going on? You know, like all that, but you know, it. It was actually so much easier than I imagined it would be.
You know, I answer the questions like, oh, I have alopecia. And they're like, oh, I didn't know. And it was just so much better. So much better. I really did feel more comfortable just being who I really am than always being sort of in a disguise.
I remember the first time we ever went out on a date and he kept trying to get me to go out on a date without hair. And I went out and I was so self-conscious. You know, the very, this is like months before one time we went on a date and I just remember just feeling so weird.
Like, so, oh my God, everyone's looking at me. Is everyone gonna be staring at me? And But it was really nothing like that. No one really cares. Really.
Yeah. Yeah. And how wonderful that you had such a, you have such a supportive partner to encourage you to do that and just be who you really are.
What is his name? Sorry, I forgot to ask Steve. Steve. Steve, you're great. We like you Steve. How did losing your hair and getting rid of the wigs change the way you see?
Well the, alright, so there's another interesting aspect to my relationship with my husband because when. When we first started dating, or right before we started dating, I should say, before I met him, I had been thinking, I really need a change. I need a change of look, a change of style. I'm just, I've been doing the same thing for years, wearing the same type of outfit the same.
It was just like something needs to shake up a little bit. We need to, we need to,
Space things up.
exactly. And so he is very much into shoes and stockings and dresses and lipstick and nail polish. I mean, he's just very into that, which I was never into any of that. I owned one pair of heels that I never wore.
It's like may.
Before, before we started dating. Now, uh, I'd be embarrassed to show you my closet. I have quite a, quite a few, quite a few pair of shoes, a zillion dresses, and, and saw like, you know, you beget 'em. Just we find 'em. We're of different places. Not like I spend a ton of money on dresses, but, It's just that it became fun.
He encouraged and appreciated my femininity in the way that I presented it, and just, and being bald was part of that. And it's been very empowering in a way. You know, because I just feel more confident in just being who I am and, um, allowing myself to feel as beautiful or sexy or, you know, how like making a decision to feel that way I think is part of it.
You know, like making a decision to dress up. We do it all the time at home. We probably do. Three times a week sometimes. And we just have our little evenings at home and do stuff. But it's just fun, and we also are constantly, creating characters and just having a wacky time. So we, we just are always doing, It's an extension of playing dress up probably really is what it is.
But it's a lot of fun and it, it makes us both feel good. It, I think it's confidence building. it's just reaffirming who you really are,
yeah. I love that. And I also heard, like throughout this conversation, it seems like you were always like throughout your life sort of trying to figure out the balance of like your femininity and maybe what you thought was expected of you or, like it seemed like you were always like wanting to embrace your femininity in a way, and also wanting to sort of detach from it in a way.
And it sounds like you've like finally sort of figured out this balance.
Exactly. No, that's very true. And it was always a struggle throughout my life because I felt like a feminine sexual creature, and yet it got me attention that I did not want or didn't know how to deal with. And so it was always a struggle, um, trying to find that balance. And I think that is why I dressed the way I did for so long,
It seems like you are in a place now where like you have a, an understanding of like what you need and how you feel and how you wanna feel in the world in terms of your femininity. Is that true or how true is that for you?
I think that is true. And also what I've really realized, especially with, um, because we have a lot of rituals that we do meaning, for example, we celebrate every 11th. We just celebrated last night because that was our anniversary of, you know, sort of us. And so instead of once a year, we do it once a month
We usually make cards and just sort of celebrate our being together, reaffirming different elements of our relationship. But at the beginning, like sometimes I think people are go, how can you do that that much, you know, that often or whatever. And I feel like you can. Make a choice to really maximize the time you have together and be creative with it and have fun with it.
Or you can, you know, sit and watch tv. I mean, it's like you, there are plenty of things that you can do instead, but I think that, Really making a conscious choice to to be creative with your time and to really show each other how much you love each other and to dress up for each other and, you know, that kind of thing.
I think all of that is something that I'm glad that we are making that choice because it just enriches so much our relationship. I do believe there's a lot of people that probably kind of lose touch with the true nature of, of why they're together and, and because they don't put as much time or effort into it.
And it does seem sometimes like a lot of effort, but to me it totally is worth it.
Are you listening? Significant others. Do we need to play that part? I think we need to play that part again. 📍
it just enriches so much our relationship. There's a lot of people that probably, kind of lose touch with the true nature of, of why they're together and, because they don't put as much, time or effort into it.
were you always like this in relationships or is this new, like just within this marriage?
I think within this marriage, because my first marriage, um, that was the issue. We, we sort of stopped doing things together. I'm like, why am I doing everything by myself? You know? and after a while it's like you just start to grow apart. it definitely takes effort and takes time and, but the effort doesn't have to be, you know, strenuous effort.
It can be fun effort, right. But yeah, no, that wasn't the case originally. And I do feel like that's a big part of why we, we grew apart
after losing your hair, after getting rid of the wigs how did this all change the way that you saw the world
I think that I became more aware of people that, not just who had alopecia but maybe that people were, that were dealing with certain things that they didn't.
Really wanna share or they didn't feel like they could share? It's interesting. I just did this, um, short film for an Easter Seals disability challenge. And another girl I know who has alopecia, um, asked me if I wanted to do it with her. And we, we filmed this great little film, it's called I'm Okay.
And it's just kind of about dealing with alo. On just a small, small level. Right. But, and everyone, um, there's a, a whole bunch of entries with all sorts of different disabilities, uh, portrayed or you know, talked about, shown about, and. It's weird because I'm thinking, I don't really consider alopecia a disability, but I know that there are plenty of people who do, and plenty of people who don't feel confident in being themselves.
I ran into someone just the other day. She's like, and I get comments on my head all the time.
Comments on your head,
like give me one example,
well, like people are like, oh, I love your hair, or your non hair, or whate, I love your style. You know, like, oh, oh, you have a perfect head. I can never do that. My head is lumpy, you know, they go on about their, the shape of their head versus the shape of my head.
Wow.
kind of sweet in a way, you know, it's funny, but. But anyway, this woman who's who said something to me, she goes, oh, I have alopecia too. But she was wearing a wig and I couldn't tell she was wearing a wig. I did not know. So it's like, I think there's a lot of people out there who have it, who either always wear wigs or are either by choice. They really want to, they really like doing it or they. Unsure of how they would be received if they didn't, so I do think it's a disability because for me it was at the beginning until I sort of gained perspective on it The world is a friendly place if you expect it to be, you know, and it's a cruel place if you expect that.
Your attitude has so much to do with it,
and here's where I asked Caressa to re-introduce herself without descriptors like wife, actor, director, et cetera, because we are not our successes, failures or titles. And the funniest thing happened.
I know it is hard to introduce yourself sometimes without like labeling. You know what you do, uh, because that is so often your identity is tied up in
what you spend a lot of your time doing.
exactly. And I like to Remind people and es and especially like through these conversations, I'm always hoping that people will start to think about like who they are really at their core. Um, you know, the idea is that we're not our successes or our failures or our titles or our hair.
It's interesting because sometimes I think labels are another thing that we kind of hide behind because maybe we're uncomfortable. Being totally honest with how we feel about ourselves. You know, like I think I'm fantastic, but of course I'm not gonna say that nobody you knows, like, or anyway, I'm Caressa McElheny, I'm 65.
I am a strong, I think powerful woman I feel like I've been through a lot in on one hand, but I feel like I've been through so little compared to so many other people. But I, I think that I always try to approach life with grace, with ease, with a positive attitude, with a loving attitude.
I am emotional. I'm creative, I'm intuitive, I'm badass.
That's great. Anything else you wanna share about this experience?
Mm.
There is a time in my life when this happened, after this happened that I actually had the thought that, is this happening because I need to learn this lesson. You know what I mean? And. And there's still a part of me that, that thinks that yes, that is why it happened, because it's like, I was so kind of confused or hesitant about embracing who I really was. I feel like at an early age I was. Inhibited from expressing myself in the manner that I wanted to express myself and just because. It, it was hard to deal with or whatever, but I feel like that is one of the strong reasons why from a very early age, I always wanted to act because I felt like through acting and through dancing, that was a true way to express myself.
But that's only in certain circumstances, right? That's only if you're acting or you're dancing. If you're just being you in everyday life, sometimes that's more difficult. And so I feel like through all this process of going through this and going through figuring out, how the world sees me and how I see the world exactly what.
Talking about, I've kind of come to the conclusion that it is what you make it, and I just decided to make it be something that was a wonderful experience as opposed to a tragic experience or upsetting or, a difficult experience.
Okay. It was less funny and more wonderful and amazing. I just love when stuff like that comes out without my having to fish for it. Anyway caressa is working on this really cool play if you live in or are visiting the los angeles area please go check out her work
It's called because it's sunny in LA and it's all about homelessness. That'll be at the Hudson Theater in, um, Hollywood in. And also, uh, my husband and I have been working on a show it's called We Play Us, and it's about, it's kind of a fictionalized slash based on reality version of how we met and our lives.
So cool. And where is that gonna be? Do
in Ahei Hall, which is slash our garage, I mean, that's where it has been in the past. So we're hoping now that we'll take it out onto the, into the world.
And we can't wait for you to take it out into the world. Caressa.
I mean, I just love her story of redefining her identity, rediscovering her femininity and learning to embrace and empower herself through that big change. I'm also in love with her husband now.
If you are loving these episodes and want them to continue, it's really important to share the show. So I'm asking you right now, before you move on to the next thing, share this show with one person you think might like it too. It takes two seconds. And the more we grow, the bigger and better guests we can get to help you grow.
Thank you so much.
And thank you to David Ben-Porat for sound engineering. Uh, Dan David for the music, David Harper for the artwork. I am. This age is produced by jellyfish industries. I'm Molly Sider. Catch you next time.